Haven't posted in a while. Haven't really had the time. I stayed the night with my grandpa a few nights ago. He's recovering pretty well from open heart surgery. In fact, he got to go home today :)
Last night I had some pageant stuff to do. I almost cried when I realized that I have about another two weeks to be anything near important. When did I become so concerned with what people thought anyway? *shrugs it off*
Guess it just happened.
Platform shit. I'll tell you what. It's driving me insane. I'm sacrificing myself to be ripped apart by about 600+, all critics who won't agree with me from day 1. Creg says I should keep my "orientation" in a "don't ask, don't tell" State of mind, because I'm at risk of being disqualified for being "immoral". One question...isn't that discrimination? *shrugs shoulders again* Ah well, It's only 2500 Dollars I'll be wasting, along with a hell of a lot of time. But it's Not a waste of time or money if I can get through to one person. To hell with the rest. Mom says "You're going to let everyone down." Grandma Says "you do this, and your grandfather and I won't come to watch you. Why would you want to burn in hell?" I've never wanted their approval anyway.
In fact, the only times I've ever gotten their approval were when my life turned out wrong. I didn't compromise last year. I didn't "clean up" my platform because I thought I'd be disagreed with. Well, look where I am now. It got me a chance at state. In June I'm not going to walk up to that pedestal prepared with anything less than how I feel. I'm not going to hide my point of veiw because people aren't able to hear it.
No.
I'm going to go there, ready and willing to defend myself to all the judgemental bastards in that building. All I've ever known how to say when it came to confrontation was "bring it on". Besides, the excitement will be exhilarating, and I need to know that I can do it.
fuck. Can I do it?
If I ever get around to finishing all that damned paper work.
Which brings me to say goodnight.
Friday, February 29, 2008
Saturday, February 16, 2008
Monday, February 4, 2008
Breaking point
I used to ask myself what I would do if anything ever heppened to them.
I never knew.
The two people I've ever considered family.
1. In the hospital three days a week for internal bleeding that tawas fucking hospital doesn't know where from. They also found a spot on his lung, a Big One that won't be known until the 9th. He's been smoking since he was twelve. He is now 67 years old.
2. suffering from blows to the head with a metal pipe. two people in masks pushed through the door, thinking he had money and tried to rob him...He's still bleeding, and this happened last night. The doctors can't help him because there's no skin left on his head to sow shut. They were going to kill him.
When I imagine him suffering it only gets worse. He's always been the good guy. He's always been the guy "everyone got along with". Yesterday we went to his house, and he showed us his new tattoos of a cross on his arm, and below it read "FAITH".
They do know who one of them was...
so do I.
All I can say is that I hope someone else gets to him first,
because if he's anything like his brother, I'll get him alone.
And then I'll rip his god damn head off.
I never knew.
The two people I've ever considered family.
1. In the hospital three days a week for internal bleeding that tawas fucking hospital doesn't know where from. They also found a spot on his lung, a Big One that won't be known until the 9th. He's been smoking since he was twelve. He is now 67 years old.
2. suffering from blows to the head with a metal pipe. two people in masks pushed through the door, thinking he had money and tried to rob him...He's still bleeding, and this happened last night. The doctors can't help him because there's no skin left on his head to sow shut. They were going to kill him.
When I imagine him suffering it only gets worse. He's always been the good guy. He's always been the guy "everyone got along with". Yesterday we went to his house, and he showed us his new tattoos of a cross on his arm, and below it read "FAITH".
They do know who one of them was...
so do I.
All I can say is that I hope someone else gets to him first,
because if he's anything like his brother, I'll get him alone.
And then I'll rip his god damn head off.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Weak.
Advice? Advice from anyone. I'll take any advice right now.
I'm so god damned confused. I don't have any idea where I'm going or what I'm going to do. I thought I had this all figured out. I'm so tired of feeling that horrible burn in the pit of my stomache. I can't stop it anymore. I knew this would happen eventually.
"The hardest part of life is deciding when to give up, and when to try harder."
That's never been so true to me in my entire life. I want to take someone's advice so horribly bad right now, I can't even stand it. Do I give up on Mike? It was completely accidental. Yet I don't believe in coinsidences..
I signed onto my paranormal_lover15 yahoo account yesterday to see what had been up lately. I wanted to know if anyone had tried to get ahold of me, or talk to me. When I signed on I got a message from him. He was asking who I was, though my name's next to my email, and It had been the same for 2 years. He knew.
He seemed desperate. I felt compassion for him. I hate how he always exploses my weakness. He said he wanted to talk to me. He asked why I'd stopped talking to him. Everytime I think of him I think of a helpless child. I'll never know why.
He's dating one of my old best friends. Yada Yada. I explained this a few blogs ago. I'd gotten over it. He was saying how he still had the necklace I'd given him, and mentioned the one he gave to me. It's not important. He asked me to start talking to Kayla. Why did I do that? She gets to me more than he does. Asking me if I was seeing anyone, telling me she wanted to come see me in the pageant..ugh. I could scream right now. I'm so fucking pissed. Mike just stopped talking to me after that. He hasn't changed. Not at all.
I want to believe in people. That's what I want. I want to be there for them when they need me..but how do I do that when I can see they don't really care?
There are those times when I'll still connect with him, and could bet anything that he's sincere. I stayed with him for those times, but were they ever worth it?
I know in my heart he'll always hurt me, but is it right to abandon someone if it's better for you?
No one knows how much I want to wash my hands of it. But is it the right time?
I'm sick of being pushed around by him. Sick of being hurt. I don't want anger to be the reason I look back on a descision and regret it though.
This isn't that big of a deal outside of my head. I'm sure of it. Even so..
I guess my real question is this: Is it right to abandon someone just because it's better for you?
All I can say, and keep saying to myself is that everything happens for a reason.
That's my rant for the day.
There's much more, I just can't process yet.
-Jordan
I'm so god damned confused. I don't have any idea where I'm going or what I'm going to do. I thought I had this all figured out. I'm so tired of feeling that horrible burn in the pit of my stomache. I can't stop it anymore. I knew this would happen eventually.
"The hardest part of life is deciding when to give up, and when to try harder."
That's never been so true to me in my entire life. I want to take someone's advice so horribly bad right now, I can't even stand it. Do I give up on Mike? It was completely accidental. Yet I don't believe in coinsidences..
I signed onto my paranormal_lover15 yahoo account yesterday to see what had been up lately. I wanted to know if anyone had tried to get ahold of me, or talk to me. When I signed on I got a message from him. He was asking who I was, though my name's next to my email, and It had been the same for 2 years. He knew.
He seemed desperate. I felt compassion for him. I hate how he always exploses my weakness. He said he wanted to talk to me. He asked why I'd stopped talking to him. Everytime I think of him I think of a helpless child. I'll never know why.
He's dating one of my old best friends. Yada Yada. I explained this a few blogs ago. I'd gotten over it. He was saying how he still had the necklace I'd given him, and mentioned the one he gave to me. It's not important. He asked me to start talking to Kayla. Why did I do that? She gets to me more than he does. Asking me if I was seeing anyone, telling me she wanted to come see me in the pageant..ugh. I could scream right now. I'm so fucking pissed. Mike just stopped talking to me after that. He hasn't changed. Not at all.
I want to believe in people. That's what I want. I want to be there for them when they need me..but how do I do that when I can see they don't really care?
There are those times when I'll still connect with him, and could bet anything that he's sincere. I stayed with him for those times, but were they ever worth it?
I know in my heart he'll always hurt me, but is it right to abandon someone if it's better for you?
No one knows how much I want to wash my hands of it. But is it the right time?
I'm sick of being pushed around by him. Sick of being hurt. I don't want anger to be the reason I look back on a descision and regret it though.
This isn't that big of a deal outside of my head. I'm sure of it. Even so..
I guess my real question is this: Is it right to abandon someone just because it's better for you?
All I can say, and keep saying to myself is that everything happens for a reason.
That's my rant for the day.
There's much more, I just can't process yet.
-Jordan
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
2:17
Well, Josh is in jail for slashing tires. He called here about an hour ago. It always scares my mom half to death when the phone rings so late. It seems like something is always wrong in their lives anymore. Me, I just don't really care now. I learn to laugh at it all. They'll probably end up killing themselves, but there's nothing I can do. No matter how much I want to see them change. People never do..
Dear Jay, Dear Josh,
I'm sorry I've been so heartless lately. It's just that I know that nothing I say will convince you to stop doing what you're doing, and I don't want to have to know that you don't care. It hurts me more than anything. You never say it in words, but own up to it. You abandoned me a long time ago.
You used to be my heroes. We used to have eachother, but you're older now.
I don't know how to feel anymore. I feel like I don't know you at all. I feel like I never did. You were always the ones I wanted to be like. Always Striving so hard to get you to notice me..I just wanted to be acknowledged.
Maybe I was the one who let you down.
Whatever happened, all I can say is I hope you find what you're looking for in life, and I'm sorry for the way things turned out between us. I'll always believe in you.
Dear Jay, Dear Josh,
I'm sorry I've been so heartless lately. It's just that I know that nothing I say will convince you to stop doing what you're doing, and I don't want to have to know that you don't care. It hurts me more than anything. You never say it in words, but own up to it. You abandoned me a long time ago.
You used to be my heroes. We used to have eachother, but you're older now.
I don't know how to feel anymore. I feel like I don't know you at all. I feel like I never did. You were always the ones I wanted to be like. Always Striving so hard to get you to notice me..I just wanted to be acknowledged.
Maybe I was the one who let you down.
Whatever happened, all I can say is I hope you find what you're looking for in life, and I'm sorry for the way things turned out between us. I'll always believe in you.
Seeing them together
I'm not going to pretend like it didn't hurt, because for a moment there, I would have bet anything it was the worst pain I've ever felt.
I'm alright now though.
I'm not sure why it really even got to me. It's over. I knew he'd find someone else, and I was just fine with that, because I did too.
Honestly, I don't miss him, don't want him, I'm completely Disgusted with him, and everything he's ever done..but still. The only thing I can describe it as was just a kick in the face.
She was a good friend of mine, then for some reason we just stopped talking. Guess I know why now.
That's fine. Everything happens for a reason. If she's happy, guess I'm happy for her. I've tried to forgive him so many times without looking down on him, but it's so hard. I guess I just have to accept the fact that he didn't want me. Not for any particular reason, not because I wasn't good enough. No explanation. He just Didn't want me.
To be honest, I never really wanted him either..
I just wanted someone. I wanted a cover up. I wanted it to look like I was happy, and successful on the outside, like I was normal. but people know.
I knew it wouldn't last, but I had no respect for myself when it came to him. I didn't want to care about myself. It scared me. It scares me still. So I put my faith is someone else, knowing they'd break it. I guess I thought at least it would be their fault then, not mine.
I'm stronger than that now though.
So when I saw them together I took a few minutes to compose myself, acknowledged the past, thought about the situation and thanked God that I was passed it, and that neither of us had the opportunity to hurt eachother again.
I guess we're all human, and I'm just glad I'm okay with that.
-Me
I'm alright now though.
I'm not sure why it really even got to me. It's over. I knew he'd find someone else, and I was just fine with that, because I did too.
Honestly, I don't miss him, don't want him, I'm completely Disgusted with him, and everything he's ever done..but still. The only thing I can describe it as was just a kick in the face.
She was a good friend of mine, then for some reason we just stopped talking. Guess I know why now.
That's fine. Everything happens for a reason. If she's happy, guess I'm happy for her. I've tried to forgive him so many times without looking down on him, but it's so hard. I guess I just have to accept the fact that he didn't want me. Not for any particular reason, not because I wasn't good enough. No explanation. He just Didn't want me.
To be honest, I never really wanted him either..
I just wanted someone. I wanted a cover up. I wanted it to look like I was happy, and successful on the outside, like I was normal. but people know.
I knew it wouldn't last, but I had no respect for myself when it came to him. I didn't want to care about myself. It scared me. It scares me still. So I put my faith is someone else, knowing they'd break it. I guess I thought at least it would be their fault then, not mine.
I'm stronger than that now though.
So when I saw them together I took a few minutes to compose myself, acknowledged the past, thought about the situation and thanked God that I was passed it, and that neither of us had the opportunity to hurt eachother again.
I guess we're all human, and I'm just glad I'm okay with that.
-Me
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